Why do I enjoy tormenting myself?

So in the process of reading my old journals today, I stumbled across her old journals. Talk about self inflicted pain. Ugh. And I know that's what it'll do to me. I know in the end I'm going to be in that pain that grabs hold and refuses to let go. But I can't seem to stop myself. I'm seriously starting to wonder if I need professional help. I mean, I know I'm a bit co-dependent. But now I'm starting to wonder if I'm seriously addicted. I'm not sure you can become addicted to a person, but if you can, I think that may be my problem. Do they have a twelve step group for this kind of thing? Just a passing thought. "Hi, I'm Ali, and I'm addicted to Abby." Really, it's not as funny as I thought it would be. Didn't even bring a smirk to my lips. *sighs* That's when you know you're in trouble, when jokes don't even make you laugh, even the seriously disturbed ones. And I keep thinking it should be so easy, so simple, that I somehow must be missing the key, the trick, that moment where I go, 'Aha, now I see'. I keep waiting to wake up one morning and have no pain licking at the scars, no desire to even ponder what it is she's doing. But that's not coming....and it just seems to get harder, every day. I thought I was getting to that ok point, where I'd be fine. But then she's back for one hard assed comment or witty barb, and suddenly I'm back to that point, where I'm itching for the next fix. What can I say that hasn't all ready been said? What can I try that I haven't possibly all ready done? What else am I missing? You'd figure getting married and having kids would cause me to have a new view of this same old same old place. And though I've moved on, I don't want her friendship, I know that we'll never be together again and I'm ok with that too. But, I just can't let go. I can't force myself to break that tie, to surrender completely to the idea of no Abby in my life. Ugh....I'm a glutton for emotional pain. Perhaps it is time to seek professional help. *sigh* As much as I hate to admit that.