Funny how the only promises I can't keep are those I make to myself....

I swore to myself after the last wound I would NEVER write about Abby again. I promised myself I was going to figure out a way to get over the addiction to that lunatic one way or another.....as well as help Karma along a bit. Hehe. Well, me being the sweetheart I am(I mean, the whole basis of Wicca is to love and respect all living things, even when Karma's being a bit slow on the whole 3 fold law there, it's the whole reason I started 'practicing' it. I mean, I'm the girl who says a silent prayer of forgiveness when I talk badly about my sister's boyfriends ex wife when she's being a....well, a very not nice word. Hehe.) I have given up on the whole curse/hex idea. And really it has nothing to do with my fear of my own Karmic ramifications. More so just the fact that, could I really live with myself if something horrible really did happen? Probably not. So I've tossed out the few hexes I found....though I'm working pretty hard on a binding spell for myself. Anyone have any laying around? Probably not, hey? Anywho. So here I am, it's been what? Three days since I've changed everything that could possibly allow us to get back in contact? The only thing the same is my email, and I already put her on the spam list. I still haven't deleted our messages on facebook, though I've been tempted on multiple occasions. Really though, it's the last thing I have. So I figure I'll leave them for a little while. I've already shocked my whole system by changing everything else. (Have I mentioned I don't do so hot with change? I mean, I know change is constant, probably the only thing in the world that is. And I get that sometimes change is for the better. But, I prefer things to be as I expect and as I've known. So, changing all my crap kinda screwed with my head a bit. I keep going to sign in to DJ and all of a sudden I'm like, oh yeah, you deleted that.) So, I didn't see a point in pushing my luck. But really, what's got me thinking about it now, is Sabrina's surgery. (Yes, my mind connects things that other people would never think are even similar in topic, much less connected, but that's my head.....it's all crazy there.) See, when we go to Minnesota, I'll be there for the full two weeks, and that's assuming they only want to keep her for two weeks....I really have a (sickening) feeling in my stomach that it'll be longer. So I approached the topic with Ma, since it'll basically be her and I there for the long haul. And I told her, what if they don't want to keep her for only two weeks? She said we'd have to find some sort of apartment we can rent by the month or week or something. And all of a sudden, I wanted to burst into tears. Cause, with Adam's promotion and what not, he won't be able to come with. And now I'm aware of how far we'll be. And all I can think about are those numerous nights I spent on the phone with Abby, bawling about this problem or that, or how I was feeling crazy....and all I wanted, all I really wanted, was to be held and kissed.....to be told it would be ok, to feel the safety of someone's arms around me as I cried. And now, here I am, all grown up, married......and once again I'll be alone, with my love hundreds of miles away. And it's tricky, talking on the phone. You feel so close, cause you can hear them. But at the same time, you know damn well that if you wanted to go and see them.....well you can't. There's miles and miles and miles separating you. It's a hopeless feeling, for those of you who haven't done the whole long distance relationship thing. And it just brings it all back. I mean, there's times where I'm having my crazy moments, and I'm sitting on Adam's lap, and he's holding me, and petting my hair and telling me how everything will work out, we'll be ok. And I can't help but compare, in my head, how nice it is to have him here, to feel his arms around me.....and how desperately I wanted that from Abby. Just once. So here I am, once again breaking promises to myself by thinking and writing about her. And she's probably just going on with life, happy to be rid of me. And I guess, oddly enough, that part of it doesn't hurt. What hurts the most is that I can't seem to force myself to fucking move on. And it's not even move on.....I don't know what it is. I guess it's letting go. And for some reason I just can't. Though I've no idea why not. It wasn't like it was that wonderful of a relationship. *shrugs* But I guess when you change yourself that much for one person.....when you become what you are, so to please and gather the affection of another, even when you don't want that person in your life anymore, don't want them like that......you still want their approval and praise. You still want to know that you're wanted. And when you know for a fact that you're not.....well, I guess it just screws things up. Screws you up. Ugh....this surgery is coming up so fast....and I have no idea how to prepare myself for ANY of the trauma that's coming with it. Not from Sabrina's aspect, not from Mom's aspect, or the kids.....and certainly not from mine. I hate long distance. *sigh* And I hate being able to keep promises I made to everyone else.....and not myself.