Wow, long time.

Let's see, what is there to say today? The sun is shining, very nice. Makes me smile. I have an idea rolling around in my head, but it still has so much left unknown, and honestly, a lot of research that needs to be put into it. Like, how come I chose Odin to be cast out and locked up - to portray Lucifer or Satan or whatever the Bible bangers say his name was. How come it wasn't Thor? He's the more known of the Norse gods....but no, I chose Odin for some reason. I don't even remember much of the Norse mythology. Which is why I put the Norse gods to the task of upsetting the balance of Heaven. Cause the Greek ones are so well known in their own right. I figured the Norse gods needed a turn in the limelight I guess. And Crimzy. I feel like I don't even know the character I created. How does that work? Well, honestly, that's how all my characters work. I start with a basic idea, and then I learn as I write with them more. Too bad I haven't had the urge to write much with that idea. Well, and then there's the fact that I can't put my typewriter up anywhere. Which is frustrating as well. *sigh* Guess I didn't feel like updating as much as I thought I did.....
"Crossing lines....Small crimes.....Taking back what is mine...."

Ugh....I'm in a writing slump, and really it's a bit old.

So I keep wanting to write, needing to write.....and yet there is absolutely nothing there. I don't want to work on the Tachia story, cause if I'm truly honest, it wasn't mine to begin with. I mean, Tachia was a character I worked on, poured a lot of time, effort and tears into. But, the whole idea, the kingdoms at war, the love triangles and confrontations. That was all Abby and Ken's. Not mine. So honestly, I want nothing to do with any of it anymore. All I think about when I look over it, is her.
I'm getting better though, even though I'm still in the stage where I torment myself with visiting her journal once a week. But that'll pass too. The more I do it, the more I start realizing that it was all just childish stupidity. Things are much better this way. Though, if I'm honest(and I hold honesty to be a very important characteristic) then I'd have to say that sometimes I WISH there was a way for us to be friends. But as soon as I hear her voice, or we start IMing.....all my logical, well thought conclusions go out the mofo window. So this is how it has to be. And hopefully, a month or two from now.....I won't even remember why I wanted to have a friendship. I'm pretty much well past the whole hating aspect of it all. There's not a point in wasting my energy on something like that. One thing that has been brought up more though, is Bekah. I wonder how things are for her. I know Abby said that her and Bekah had stopped talking for one reason or another, not sure why. But, I remember having a fondness for the girl. Or maybe I was just fond of her cause Abby was so smitten by her, and I'd rather befriend than make waves. Hmmmm. Something more to think about.
Ugh, my head has been pounding ever since I took a shower this morning, not sure why. But slowly it's getting worse. I sure do bitch a lot, eh? Oh well, they don't tell you to journal because you're happy. Hehe. But, guess I'm going to go watch Hocus Pocus for the thousandth time with the kids. They LOVE this movie.....even more than I do. And It's been a favorite of mine for years now. Hehe. Cute how some things you can pass on to the kids. Anywho....have a good day all, enjoy the wonderful weather(course, unless you're not here, and then the weather might very well be wonderful).

Funny how the only promises I can't keep are those I make to myself....

I swore to myself after the last wound I would NEVER write about Abby again. I promised myself I was going to figure out a way to get over the addiction to that lunatic one way or another.....as well as help Karma along a bit. Hehe. Well, me being the sweetheart I am(I mean, the whole basis of Wicca is to love and respect all living things, even when Karma's being a bit slow on the whole 3 fold law there, it's the whole reason I started 'practicing' it. I mean, I'm the girl who says a silent prayer of forgiveness when I talk badly about my sister's boyfriends ex wife when she's being a....well, a very not nice word. Hehe.) I have given up on the whole curse/hex idea. And really it has nothing to do with my fear of my own Karmic ramifications. More so just the fact that, could I really live with myself if something horrible really did happen? Probably not. So I've tossed out the few hexes I found....though I'm working pretty hard on a binding spell for myself. Anyone have any laying around? Probably not, hey? Anywho. So here I am, it's been what? Three days since I've changed everything that could possibly allow us to get back in contact? The only thing the same is my email, and I already put her on the spam list. I still haven't deleted our messages on facebook, though I've been tempted on multiple occasions. Really though, it's the last thing I have. So I figure I'll leave them for a little while. I've already shocked my whole system by changing everything else. (Have I mentioned I don't do so hot with change? I mean, I know change is constant, probably the only thing in the world that is. And I get that sometimes change is for the better. But, I prefer things to be as I expect and as I've known. So, changing all my crap kinda screwed with my head a bit. I keep going to sign in to DJ and all of a sudden I'm like, oh yeah, you deleted that.) So, I didn't see a point in pushing my luck. But really, what's got me thinking about it now, is Sabrina's surgery. (Yes, my mind connects things that other people would never think are even similar in topic, much less connected, but that's my head.....it's all crazy there.) See, when we go to Minnesota, I'll be there for the full two weeks, and that's assuming they only want to keep her for two weeks....I really have a (sickening) feeling in my stomach that it'll be longer. So I approached the topic with Ma, since it'll basically be her and I there for the long haul. And I told her, what if they don't want to keep her for only two weeks? She said we'd have to find some sort of apartment we can rent by the month or week or something. And all of a sudden, I wanted to burst into tears. Cause, with Adam's promotion and what not, he won't be able to come with. And now I'm aware of how far we'll be. And all I can think about are those numerous nights I spent on the phone with Abby, bawling about this problem or that, or how I was feeling crazy....and all I wanted, all I really wanted, was to be held and kissed.....to be told it would be ok, to feel the safety of someone's arms around me as I cried. And now, here I am, all grown up, married......and once again I'll be alone, with my love hundreds of miles away. And it's tricky, talking on the phone. You feel so close, cause you can hear them. But at the same time, you know damn well that if you wanted to go and see them.....well you can't. There's miles and miles and miles separating you. It's a hopeless feeling, for those of you who haven't done the whole long distance relationship thing. And it just brings it all back. I mean, there's times where I'm having my crazy moments, and I'm sitting on Adam's lap, and he's holding me, and petting my hair and telling me how everything will work out, we'll be ok. And I can't help but compare, in my head, how nice it is to have him here, to feel his arms around me.....and how desperately I wanted that from Abby. Just once. So here I am, once again breaking promises to myself by thinking and writing about her. And she's probably just going on with life, happy to be rid of me. And I guess, oddly enough, that part of it doesn't hurt. What hurts the most is that I can't seem to force myself to fucking move on. And it's not even move on.....I don't know what it is. I guess it's letting go. And for some reason I just can't. Though I've no idea why not. It wasn't like it was that wonderful of a relationship. *shrugs* But I guess when you change yourself that much for one person.....when you become what you are, so to please and gather the affection of another, even when you don't want that person in your life anymore, don't want them like that......you still want their approval and praise. You still want to know that you're wanted. And when you know for a fact that you're not.....well, I guess it just screws things up. Screws you up. Ugh....this surgery is coming up so fast....and I have no idea how to prepare myself for ANY of the trauma that's coming with it. Not from Sabrina's aspect, not from Mom's aspect, or the kids.....and certainly not from mine. I hate long distance. *sigh* And I hate being able to keep promises I made to everyone else.....and not myself.

I feel like I'm suspended....in like a jelly substance or something.

So, I deleted LJ and DJ.....very sad moments for me honestly. I blocked the facebook, changed my number, have the email addy flagged as spam.....I guess all there is now is to change my AIM name. Ugh, I can't even begin to think of a new sn. Whatever though. Anywho....eventually I'll have some more writing to put in here. I actually got a brilliant idea earlier that I want to start on.

My biggest mistake.

I still miss you. It still hurts on occasion. I'm still holding onto a promise that was broken before it was ever made. And it's all so stupid, so pointless. And yet here I am, still searching for some sign of you, some small clue that you're still around. But I know you're not. And that makes me pathetic and weak. It makes me feel like crying. Maybe if I cry long enough, hard enough....it'll all wash away. They say tears cleanse the soul.....so many stars are placed in that sky each year with your name tagged on them, that you'd figure by now I'd have run myself dry. Or at least washed away the stain you left on my soul. But I haven't, and I probably can't. Guess I'm more the vampire than the werewolf. You changed me, touched a part of me that will forever be different. Will forever be there. Even if you aren't. Do I regret it? Sometimes I do. When the nights are nothing but a black abyss of pain. I regret it. But those nights are few and far between now. Though Adam has said that I've been particularly restless while sleeping as of late. I can't remember my dreams, I fought for so many years to not remember, to get up and be awake instantly, so I wouldn't have to remember the dreams of you. So I don't know what I dream about, I don't know if the restlessness ties into you at all. Probably not. The restless sleep is probably more because of him. Because I know time will change that too, and eventually he'll be gone too. But I can't dwell on that right now, I can't even accept it. But you will forever  be my biggest mistake. And you will forever be a scar, a reminder of what I once was, and what I have now become.

I need sleep....but I'm afraid. You might be there too.....And there's another break, another crack to try and fix. To repetitively study and tear at the scar with. Another piece of me....that will forever, in some way, belong to you.

Why do I enjoy tormenting myself?

So in the process of reading my old journals today, I stumbled across her old journals. Talk about self inflicted pain. Ugh. And I know that's what it'll do to me. I know in the end I'm going to be in that pain that grabs hold and refuses to let go. But I can't seem to stop myself. I'm seriously starting to wonder if I need professional help. I mean, I know I'm a bit co-dependent. But now I'm starting to wonder if I'm seriously addicted. I'm not sure you can become addicted to a person, but if you can, I think that may be my problem. Do they have a twelve step group for this kind of thing? Just a passing thought. "Hi, I'm Ali, and I'm addicted to Abby." Really, it's not as funny as I thought it would be. Didn't even bring a smirk to my lips. *sighs* That's when you know you're in trouble, when jokes don't even make you laugh, even the seriously disturbed ones. And I keep thinking it should be so easy, so simple, that I somehow must be missing the key, the trick, that moment where I go, 'Aha, now I see'. I keep waiting to wake up one morning and have no pain licking at the scars, no desire to even ponder what it is she's doing. But that's not coming....and it just seems to get harder, every day. I thought I was getting to that ok point, where I'd be fine. But then she's back for one hard assed comment or witty barb, and suddenly I'm back to that point, where I'm itching for the next fix. What can I say that hasn't all ready been said? What can I try that I haven't possibly all ready done? What else am I missing? You'd figure getting married and having kids would cause me to have a new view of this same old same old place. And though I've moved on, I don't want her friendship, I know that we'll never be together again and I'm ok with that too. But, I just can't let go. I can't force myself to break that tie, to surrender completely to the idea of no Abby in my life. Ugh....I'm a glutton for emotional pain. Perhaps it is time to seek professional help. *sigh* As much as I hate to admit that.

Eh, random free write.

It's raining. I can hear the soft sounds of droplets hitting the roof as I sit here. It's nice, relaxing. Makes me smile. I've been thinking about her lately, not sure why exactly. Must be coming up on the two week mark or something. The 21st or something is the last time we had contact. Yeah, a few days short of two weeks. So that may explain a bit of the anxiety that's starting to pick up. It usually does. Maybe I'm worried she'll find another reason to contact me. It's possible. I did promise the journals would be down in a week, and it's been almost two now. But really, why the hell should I be on her time? Everything is always on her time. She wants to talk about the past, when it's a good time for her. She wants to talk to me, when it's a good time for her. What the hell. Even now I'm trying to keep living by her time lines. Bleh. How ridiculous. Ok, now for some real writing I guess.

Silently she made her way through the tunnels, traveling father and farther into the neither regions of the great Mother. Scowling, she let her feet pick their way over the crevices and rocks. Apparently they remembered the path much better than her mind did. Centuries seemed like eons to her mind. But, she'd held fast to her memories. The times before he precived himself as The Father, The One. She shook her head, tangled ebony curls cascading around her in a whirl.
She paused as the tunnel broke into three smaller branches of it's former self. Closing her eyes she let her senses take over. The smell of the darkness, the taste of damp, moist earth. The soft heartbeat that pulsed through the Great Mother. 'Mother, it is I, your daughter. For eons I have known you. Help me now, open yourself to me, share with me the secrets that you have hidden these past centuries. Show me, so that I may once more know you as I did in the past.' Silently she let herself be lead, following an ancient memory, a time when this was her playground and comfort. A time, when her lover and her were free to roam, before he was shackled and chained, sentenced to spend the rest of eternity within the Mother that so gave him life.
She walked the rest of the way with her eyes closed, a feeling of fullness, of wholeness pulled at her eyes and she found she was in a chamber. In the middle, surrounded by candles, and guarded by unicorns, was the tomb The Almighty had Uriel fashion to contain him.
She moved forward swiftly, silencing the guards as the rose with sweet whispered words. He had forgotten, when he'd sentenced Odin to this prison, forgetting her ties with the valiant and loyal Unicorns. Deftly she moved the slab atop his tomb, looking down onto his face. It seemed an eternity all ready since she'd last looked upon him, and she wept bitterly with the weight of what she'd come to do.
"My love," she whispered softly, sliding her fingers through his hair slowly. Her green eyes closed slowly as she remembered the showdown between the two Gods. The pain of watching Odin dragged away, the horror and solitude of her fall from the heavens. The years and years spent in oblivion and pain. She wept fiercely, her palm pressed lovingly to his cheek.
"Hel, my lovely...." the great God spoke hoarsely. "Tell me you are not a dream, that I look at you and not some specter my mind has created."
"It's me, Odin. Though my name has been changed, many times if I remember correctly." She gazed into his blue eyes, once again the pain of long buried memories sharp. The moment of their fall reared it's ugly head, washing over her with the strong emotions only a memory can. The moment Odin had been bested, as Zeus raised his sword and made to strike him. "Swear your alliance to me, The One God, The Almighty." He had roared. Hermes, Hera, Ares and Apollo all holding her back, having secured their place as the seconds in command of the new order of the gods. "Denounce your heathen ways and declare yourself my Holy Servant." They had spoken in unison, the two lovers, as well as their many followers, lesser gods and goddesses who felt the same. "My Mother, Creator and Provider is Mother Earth. My Protector, Guide and Teacher is Father Sky. They will forever be who I am sworn to and will serve." Shortly after that she was stripped of her title, cast onto heaven to walk among the mortals.
Centuries had passed since she'd gazed into those eyes. And now she was here, looking at him, touching him, simply to condemn him once more. "I've no good news, my love." She sobbed, laying her head against the cool stone. "Things on the Human plane are falling apart quickly, time is running out. There are more faithless today than we've  seen in a very long time, even He is worried about the current circumstances. I have to turn my attention else where. My attention can be put to better use and will else where."
"My thoughts of you are all that have kept me sane in this box," the God replied thoughtfully. "Things are bad you say?"
"The humans, our children- all of ours but mostly the Mother's - are suffering. Someone has to help them. I cannot begin to imagine what these past centuries have been for you, but know that they've not been easy for me either. A lot of them were filled with self pity and wasting away in mourning. But, I've had my eyes opened for me recently, and there is much work to be done. I don't know what He will do if he finds out what I'm up to, so I had to see you now. I hope you can forgive me this one, selfish cruelty."
Odin closed his blue eyes and nodded slowly. "We are here to guide the humans, Mother's most precious children. You are simply doing what you need to do. A Mother's love runs deep and spans generations." He looked on her once more, studying her pale skin and green eyes. Once again he memorized the way her lips seemed to be etched into a permanent scowl, the way she always looked determined, as if she was always at battle for some cause. He smiled slowly as her fingers brushed against his gently. "Save them, give them hope, my dearest. Know that I am beside you in spirit, and I reside within your heart. Remember me, and I shall remember you."
She pressed a kiss to her fingertips before pressing it to his lips. She remained for a mere second, the lid of the tomb sliding back into place chased her down the corridor. She had studied him as well, but the phantom of his blue eyes lingered as it always had,just in the back of her mind. She braced herself against a wall, suppressing the scream that threatened to consume her.
He had much to answer for, The Almighty. And she'd make sure he did.


Eh....just something I've been toying with. Mk. Night all.